


And Bury Me In All My Favorite Colors

by eu_bean



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hospital, Breast cancer, Cancer, Cervical cancer, Lung Cancer, M/M, Prostate cancer
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-25
Updated: 2017-12-08
Packaged: 2019-02-04 03:15:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12761961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eu_bean/pseuds/eu_bean
Summary: WARNING: Clunky writing!AU credit to me and @doestreebrosisgay on Instagram





	1. Meeting

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING: Clunky writing!
> 
> AU credit to me and @doestreebrosisgay on Instagram

_White walls, white lights, white coats, white beds, white ceiling, white floors._

_White, white, white._

Curse that fucking color. Connor could sincerely say he absolutely despised the color white. He saw it constantly, surrounded by a void of white halls and people. And now he was being transferred to a  _new_ white building in California, since the hospital he had been at in Nevada had gone out of business after their dumbass company went bankrupt.

The hospital was supposed to be larger, which meant more fucking people. He hated people too. Well, he liked some people. He liked Bo Burnham, and John Mulaney, and he used to like Louis C.K. before he did that whole thing in his dressing room.

The point was, he did not like real life people he had to talk to.

Especially doctors. They had always been so smug about his condition, so smiley and smart about his dumbass lungs. They always walked in with this fake-ass grin and their stupid fucking clipboards that listed every single fucking thing that was wrong with him.

He hated a lot of things, but doctors were high up on his list.

* * *

"You should leave your room soon," Doctor Thomas suggested, tapping his pen on his clipboard. "You've been here for 3 weeks and you haven't interacted with anyone outside of your room."

Connor scoffed from his spot in front of the window. He _had_ been watching the cars peacefully with Parks and Rec playing on his iPad, but now that dick Dr. Thomas was annoying him again. Why couldn't he get the clue that he did not want to leave his room? No one wanted to talk to a mentally ill guy with tubes up his nose. No body wanted to talk to him. And he didn't want to talk to anyone else.

"What about no," Connor spat back.

His doctor sighed. "It would do you some good. Just go out for lunch in the cafeteria instead of staying in here."

 "Sure, fine, just fuck off," Connor said dryly and rolled his eyes. He just wanted to get back to watching Parks and Rec, honestly. This damn doctor never fucking left him alone.

"Perfect!" Dr. Thomas exclaimed before leaving, closing the door behind him.

Connor scrunched up his nose, trying to readjust the tubes in his nostrils without using his hands. He was too lazy to move any part of his body. It felt like his lungs were being crushed inside his ribcage, which he wasn't enthusiastic about.

He tipped his head back with an exaggerated sigh, trying to prove to himself that he was, in fact, still able to breathe.

The room was quiet, other than some buzzing from a machine he couldn't identify, and his slightly heavy breathing through his machine. 

See, Connor was not required to stay in the hospital his entire life. He could be out in the world, but no, his mother was terrified he would get hurt and die randomly and would rather pay tens of thousands of dollars to keep him in a boring room for years on end. They were wealthy enough to keep him in quarantine for his entire existence on this stupid planet.

He weighed his options; go out and maybe interact with people that would most definitely hate him, or, he could stay in his room and binge more Parks and Rec. 

The latter seemed like a better idea, but then Dr. Thomas would be on his fucking ass all day, telling him to make friends.

And his therapist. She was nice, but a cunt. A total cunt.

Connor chose the first. It wouldn't even matter. No one would talk to him, so he shouldn't even worry about it. He just had to go out and sit, and that was it. He could choose something nice to eat. Maybe he'd get some chocolate milk. He rather enjoyed chocolate milk. It tasted sweet, and reminded him of a cold version of hot cocoa. Well, that's what it was. 

He was getting too caught up in his head again. Lunchtime was about now. What time was it? It felt like 3am.

Connor looked at his iPad, reading the time. 12:32pm. Yep, time to haul your ass to the caf, pronto. 

He got up, setting up the little rollers on his oxygen tank so he could wheel it with him, readjusting his clothing, which was just a black hoodie and green and grey plaid pajama pants (and fluffy Christmas socks from last year, which had a little reindeer on each), and started walking. He rolled his tank behind him, opening the door to his hospital room and walking out into the hall. It smelled like chemicals and iron. He hated that scent. 

Instead of taking time to despise the hospital like normal, he just headed down the hallway to the white, filled cafeteria room. 

There were so many fucking people. So many people who had their own lives that Connor could care less about. The line wasn't as long, so he just trudged over and stood behind the other person there, who was short and chubby and had on squarish thick glasses and a pair of MineCraft pajamas. As they moved up, the kid ordered 7 shitty hospital Jell-os. Who does that?

Connor ordered just some weird smelling mashed potatoes and his chocolate Nesquik, looking around for the least populated spot of the cafeteria. It was filled, other than one corner of a table. Three people sat there, including the boy with all the Jell-o. He sighed, settling for that. 

His fuzzy red and green socks padded over to the table. A boy with blue eyes and dirty blonde hair looked up, wearing simply some blue pajamas and a t-shirt with the Yosemite logo on it. Connor ignored them and plopped down right at the edge of the table, beginning to eat his food while the three awkwardly sat in silence. 

"Can we help you?" the Jell-o boy questioned, pulling off the top of one of the containers of said strawberry Jell-o.

Connor groaned. "This is a public area."

"Let off him, Jared," the only girl cut in. She was in grey sweatpants and a cervical cancer awareness shirt, and had beautiful dark skin with black hair. Connor would probably had liked her if he wasn't gayer than a rainbow.

"I'm just saying, he's pretty close to our spot!" Jell-o Jared argued back.

The girl huffed. "Hi, I'm Alana, what's your name?" she held a hand out for Connor to take, smiling and ignoring Jared's protests. Connor had a mouthful of mashed potatoes, but swallowed it down and awkwardly took her hand, shaking it. "Connor," he responded, actually genuinely surprised anyone cared to talk to him. 

Just control yourself, Connor. It'll be alright.

"This is Jared," she said and motioned to Jell-o boy. "He's an asshole, but we love him."

Connor laughed a little to himself. Wow, he hadn't laughed in at least a week.

"And this nervous wreck over here is Evan," Alana joked, motioning to the boy in blue with the Yosemite shirt. He looked up from his little cup of pineapple chunks and waved slightly. Was Evan nervous because of Connor? He couldn't tell, but that was definitely not great.

"Are you a patient? I'm a patient. I'm fighting cervical cancer, but I'm also doing college courses so when I'm cured, I can hopefully go straight into college with a scholarship," Alana babbled and made some hand movements, looking a lot more lively than most cancer patients. Connor smiled the tiniest, barely noticeable, little bit, listening to her ramble about the courses she was taking.

Connor realized she was waiting for an answer after a second, clearing his throat. "Yeah-- lung cancer," he informed.

"Did you smoke? You look pretty young to be a smoker," Jared mocked, the asshole part definitely showing. Evan spoke up for the first time. "You can't just ask someone that, Jare!" 

"Whatever!" Jared groaned, nomming down another one of his Jell-os. 

Connor chuckled sourly. "No," he answered simply. "I never smoked cigarettes. Pot on the other hand... God I miss that."

Now Connor was oversharing. One of his many talents that resulted in losing any possible friends. He wasn't good at talking to people. No, Connor, drugs are not a good conversation starter.

Evan forced a little laugh, although he looked a little shaky and pale. Well, most patients looked pale. 

Why was Evan here? Connor wondered to himself, staring at Evan and forgetting that it normally wasn't socially acceptable to glare into people's souls. Maybe he was here for cancer, like most of the people in this ward. Maybe he was horribly sick. Maybe he had AIDs, or something else even worse. 

"Why are you here?" Connor asked out of the blue.

Evan looked like he had a miniature freak out, flinching at the question. Instead of telling, he just held up his arm, where a little light pink rubber bracelet with the pink breast cancer ribbon on it hung around his wrist, along with his orange and white striped hospital bracelet. 

"Oh..." Connor took a moment before going back to eating his food. He never really thought about a guy having breast cancer. That must be rough.

Evan flinched at his tone and went back to eating.

"Well since everyone's sharing their life stories, I've got prostate cancer," Jared said with utter confidence.

"What are you? 60?" Connor spat at him.

Shit. This is why he did not have friends. Jared merely scoffed, flinging a spoonful of Jell-o at Connor's face and hitting him straight in the cheek. He deserved that, but he still got pissed. 

"What the fuck?" he groaned, flipping Jared off. 

"Boys!" Alana cut in and put her hands out to stop them. "You're both even now. Jared got his smoking question out of the way and Connor made an old man joke, which was unappreciated."

Connor just grabbed another mouthful of his mashed potatoes (which did not taste like real potatoes) and continued bickering back and forth with his new friends.

* * *

Well, today was eventful. 

Connor sort of made friends with the other cancer patients in the ward, who were all about his age, and were pretty nice. 

Alana was talkative, sweet, motivated, and smart. She was well rounded and nice and Connor might even be nice and set Zoe up with her. Jared was obnoxious, annoying, dorky, self-centered, but overall pretty fun to hang out with. He made hilarious jokes that made Connor snort his chocolate Nesquik out of his nose.

And as for Evan, the other boy at the table, he didn't know much about him. He didn't speak more than a handful of words while Connor was there, and always made sure to have his chest covered with his arms in some way. 

Connor knew one thing for sure though: he wanted to know more about Evan.

 


	2. Speaking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: shit writing, lots of dialogue

Connor had been thinking about that quiet breast cancer boy that he sat next to at lunch earlier, staring at the ceiling of his darkened room.

It was midnight. Shouldn't he be asleep? Y'know, he really needed sleep, but he couldn't get that pale skin, that still chubby and lively yet almost dead looking body of Evan, that quiet cancer boy, out of his head.

Connor wanted to hear more of his voice. Really, he barely spoke a few words. 

His little breast cancer bracelet was adorable. The light pink looked like his little nose, the same shade of blush.

Damnit, he was going to sit with him tomorrow too.

 

* * *

 

And so Connor went out to the cafeteria again to sit with his friends, in the same outfit as yesterday with a new, more confident demeanor. He wanted to see Evan, Alana, and Jared again. Okay, maybe not Jared, but he was probably going to be there anyways.

Connor got in line, grabbing another pile of mashed potatoes that tasted like chalk and another Nesquik chocolate milk.

He strode back over to the table in the corner, seeing Evan sitting alone. Alana and Jared weren't there this time. Connor wondered why. Maybe they died. That would really suck. Connor didn't want them to die. He wasn't that horrible.

Evan was playing with his food, shrunk in his spot and looking frail as ever. He had a fluffy blue blanket wrapped around his shoulders, and he was sipping slowly at his strawberry Nesquik.

Good conversation starter.

Connor sat down across from Evan, awkwardly shuffling his long legs under the white cafeteria table.

"Hi," he said simply, smiling. Well, almost smiling. Connor Murphy didn't smile.

Evan looked up, looking exhausted yet scared at the same time. "H-Hi," he murmured, looking down at his tray again. Connor tapped his fingers on the white laminated table, whistling awkwardly. Damnit, just make conversation and don't look like a fucking creep.

"So. . . where's Alana and Jared? They dead?" Connor joked dryly.

Evan flinched. 

"Uh-- A-Alana's doing radiation today," he spat out quickly."A-And Jared said he wanted to play MineCraft in bed,"

Connor tutted a little, but nodded. 

"I see you like strawberry milk?"

Evan's head popped up, and he looked frantic. "I mean sorta I mean well it's really good but obviously not everyone likes it and you probably don't so I don't like it and uh-- sorry that's so weird," he managed to say all in one breath. Jesus.

"It was just a question. Chill," Connor muttered, and began taking little sporkfuls of mashed chalky fake potatoes.

Evan nodded quickly. "Yes, got it," he said nervously.

Silence fell over the two, the other patients in the cafeteria's conversations drowning out Evan's short little breaths.

Connor cleared his throat after a few minutes, whistling a little bit to try and make some noise. Evan wrapped himself tighter in the blanket, finishing off his strawberry milk. After another few minutes, Evan finally said something.

"H-How are you?"

Connor was completely taken aback by the question. Only doctors asked that kind of shit.

"Good, I guess," he mumbled, smiling softly to himself.

 They sat in silence again, and then Connor realized he had to be nice. Just like he promised himself.

"You?"

Evan looked up. "What?"

"I mean, uhm, how are  _you_?" Connor reiterated.

"Oh, oh uh," Evan stammered a little, seemingly nervous about a simple question. "Well I'm kinda worried because I was talking to my doctor earlier and she and my mom decided that I'd be doing chemotherapy soon and I'm really scared but also excited but I don't want to lose my hair but I want to get better so--" he cut himself off, realizing he was rambling. "Sorry."

"Don't apologize. It's fine," Connor said with the sliver of a smile on his lips. "I'm supposed to start chemo on the 15th. We could be bald buddies."

Evan laughed a little, and oh boy if it wasn't the sweetest sound Connor had ever heard. "I guess we could," he said with a grin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the rest of the chapters are gonna be about this long, not as long as the first whoops


	3. Chapter 3

"Only 3 Jell-os today, Jare?" Connor teased at the boy sitting across from him at the lunch table.

Jared rolled his eyes, a smirk teasing at his lips. "Yep. Bertha told me to cut down." Mrs. Altin, or Bertha, was the lunch lady on Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays. She did not like Jared, especially because he hogged all the Jell-os.

"She's a bitch," Connor agreed, laughing with his friends ever so slightly.

"Well, anyways, my doctor says the treatment is working! I'll be cured as soon as a year from now, which means I can finally pursue my dream in cancer research!" Alana started to babble about college or something, and Connor turned to whisper to Evan.

"When are you starting chemo?" he asked.

Evan perked up, looking over at him briefly. "T-The 12th," he answered.

"Cool," Connor whispered back, pausing before asking something else again. "What day is it today?"

Evan laughed a little. "9th."

Alana finished up her lunch, which consisted solely on fruits and vegetables, and got up. "I have an online class to get to, so I'll see you all tomorrow, okay?" she said as she waved goodbye, heading out of the cafeteria and to her room.

"I better get back to gaming. My friend wants me on before they go to bed. They live in England," Jared said proudly as he stood up, walking out with a wink and finger guns. Connor groaned, laughing slightly.

"England is really far . . ." Evan said in wonderment to himself.

"Yeah. Like, reaaaaaaal far," Connor agreed with a little chuckle, looking over at the blonde with a fond smile.

Evan thought to himself for a moment. "Wanna hang out?" he asked, almost a little confident.

"What about . . . we go hang out in my room?" Connor suggested.

Evan smiled wide, nodding as he got up to throw away his trash. And if Connor looked at his ass while he was watching, that was not his fault. Evan came back, smiling nervously and looking a little anxious. But when was he not?

Connor stood up, undoing the stoppers on the wheels of his oxygen machine so he could roll it behind him. Evan stood right next to him as they walked out. 

"So, how long has it been since you changed your clothes?" Connor asked Evan, who looked down nervously at his pajamas. 

"O-oh I m-mean-- I haven't-- I mean--" Evan stammered. 

"I'm kidding!" Connor laughed.

They made it to Connor's room, and he plopped down on his bed, the other boy softly shutting the door behind him. He looked around the mostly empty room, spotting one little framed painting. Sunflowers by Van Gogh in a small brown frame, next to a cup of water and a closed up iPad. "No . . . personal things?" Evan questioned timidly, eying the room.

"I've got clothes in the drawer, but that's all," Connor dismissed, not paying attention really at all.

Evan went silent, staring at the dresser drawer that was similar to his own, other than Evan's had pictures and stuffed animals and little toys from when he was younger, just certain things. He had more personal things. But, to be fair, Connor was pretty new to this hospital.

"So . . . w-what do we do now?" Evan asked awkwardly.

Connor shrugged, staring at his hospital ceiling. "We could do truth or dare or something? Or 20 questions? How do people normally learn about each other?" 

Evan shrugged as well, laughing timidly. "I-I dunno, honestly."

"I spy with my little eye . . . something white," he said suddenly.

"Is it you?" Evan asked, then immediately retracted on his joke. "Oh my god I'm so sorry that was so mean of me- I didn't mean to imply you were pale or anything or-- I mean, I just--"

Just then, Connor burst out laughing, holding his stomach and cackling. Evan nervously, yet confusedly, watched, trying to laugh but feeling his stomach churn. But Connor was still laughing, genuinely laughing, and Evan just realized that he had never seen that before.

Connor wiped the tears from the corners of his eyes, taking a few deep and giggle infested breaths before looking over at Evan. 

"You're hilarious! Damn, I'm glad we're friends."

Evan looked a little confused. "We're-- friends?" 

Connor raised an eyebrow at him. "Yeah, of course we are, dumbass. We hang out and talk and shit."

"Oh-- right! Y-yeah!"


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> forgive it's shortness and clunkiness i'm in such a bad writers block rn

It was the 12th. The day was here.

Evan was making a bigger deal out of this than it actually was, to be completely honest.

Chemotherapy was pretty common in the ward, so it wouldn't be anything special if he got it, right? 

Despite Jared's normal assholish mood, he actually was trying to pump up Evan. Same with Alana. And surprisingly, Connor too. In just a few weeks, Connor and him had actually became friends.

 _"You're gonna be fine, Ev."_ Connor had reassured.

 _"We'll all come visit you!"_ Alana tried her best to calm his anxiety.

 _"I know I will. I don't wanna miss out on annoying you for one second."_ And Jared did his part too.

Dr. Sherman, Evan's doctor, was discussing with him. "You won't be able to leave your bed while the medication is being given," he had explained, and Evan wasn't exactly happy about being bedridden. He also wasn't happy about being stuck with an IV in him again like before.

 

* * *

 

And so, Evan was stuck in bed, his little, off-brand phone playing piano music tracks while he laid with his eyes closed. He would love to say that this was amazing, that he could feel himself being cured by the second! But sadly, he felt like crap. He was completely nauseous, and sore all over. And the best part was, no one came to vistit him like they said they would. 

Well, it was only the first day. He shouldn't have been so concerned, right? His friends would come, right? They cared about him, right? Right?

Just as he began to worry about being absolutely forever alone, the door cracked open slightly and a very smily bunch of teenagers popped in. Following them, Evan's mom entered.

Jared was leading the pack, holding a stuffed blue bear, and Alana trailed behind with a balloon. Connor followed with a soft smile, not holding anything but a singular flower, looking picked from a front lawn.

Heidi came up to Evan first, kissing his forehead. "Hey hon," she cooed, and Evan smiled up at her, sitting up slightly, "how are you feeling?"

"Tired," Evan answered, chuckling softly, "kinda nauseous."

"We're all here!" Alana perked up, setting the balloon on the side table.

"I brought you some Jell-o," Jared added with a chuckle. 

Connor scratched the back of his neck. "I-- didn't really get you anything," he mumbled, trying to hide his pitiful little flower. Evan peered up at him, eyes cloudy from pure exhaustion.

Then, he pushed himself up a little more and gulped. "Mo-mom-- bucket--" he managed out. His mom quickly grabbed the trashcan by the door and put it by him, and he leaned over. After a couple seconds of heavy breathing, he spit a small bit of bile. Alana and Jared were standing awkwardly, while Connor squeezed his fists around the stem of the flower. 

Evan pulled back and groaned weakly, laying back on his pillow.

"That happens," Alana said with an awful bit too much cheer. "I've been doing research on your specific condition and treatment and nausea and vomiting are common effects of chemotherapy."

"Thanks," Evan said quietly, laughing dryly.

Heidi clasped her hands, frowning, then saying softly, "I have to get back to work, love, but I'll come in tonight."

Evan smiled weakly up at her, nodding stiffly. She smiled at him and kissed his sweaty forehead once again, heading out. 

"Hey, I gotta go too. Class starts in a little," Alana added. She was taking a hell of a lot of online classes, since she couldn't exactly leave the hospital long enough to go to them in real life. She waved before walking out, closing the door behind her.

They stood there for a moment, all three boys looking tired but happy.

"My moms got me a Nintendo Switch," Jared said out of nowhere, looking awfully proud of himself. Connor looked at him and rolled his eyes. "Wanna play it?" Jared offered, which was the most generous he could be. Connor was delightfully surprised, and a small smile twitched onto his lips.

Evan raised an eyebrow. "What's a Nintendo Switch?"

Jared gasped dramatically, pulling out the small gaming platform out of his pajama pant pocket, hopping onto the side of the bed, and beginning a game. Connor sat on the other side, wheeling his little tank and parking it next to him. They watched as a very drowsy Evan tried to play some game Jared had in and they all laughed as he leaned back on the pillow, snoring a little as his eyes dropped closed. 

And thus, Jared challenged Connor to a game of Mario Kart, since Connor had recently gotten his own Switch from his mom as a 'Sorry that you have lung cancer' gift.

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE COMMENT IM A SLUT FOR COMMENTS


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